Outstanding story out of San Diego last week, where terrifyingly stone-headed Chargers linebacker Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman was detained by police after similarly dumb-as-crap semi-famous bisexual reality-show skank Tila Tequila accused him of choking and restraining her in his apartment after an argument.
For those who have had enough therapy to remember the show without hyperventilating, Tequila's chilling, now-defunct A Shot at Love asked drooling buffoons of both sexes to submit to humiliating tests of strength and shamelessness in order to win a chance to date and (presumably) enjoy a brief and awkward sexual encounter with the short, cosmetically enhanced Vietnamese host. It seems, however, that none of the contestants actually won "love" in any long-term sense, since Tequila eventually parlayed the show into a relationship with Merriman, a ferocious, permanently scowling 3-4 outside linebacker whose fro-hawk and enormous foot-wide neck make him look something like a cross between a rhinoceros and a 'roided-up version of Fred Flintstone.
God knows what actually happened between these two geniuses, but Tequila's story is that she and Merriman had a fight at his home, and that when she went to leave, he choked her and threw her to the ground. Merriman's story is a little different — he claims that he only put his hands on Tequila to prevent her from driving drunk.
And wonderfully, there is a door number three option, as reported by various media outlets. In this version, "witnesses" to the event say Merriman was in his bedroom romping with two different girls when he was surprised by Tequila, who came through the door in a presumably cheerful "Honey, I'm home!" mode. Merriman, sensibly, asked Tequila to join them — at which point Tequila, not amused, stormed out and "threatened to have sex with one of his friends," as the New York Post put it. In this version of the story, it is at that moment that Merriman got physical with Tequila and put her "lights out."
These two dingbats spent a few days brawling through the media, with each launching accusations at the other. Tequila even went so far as to claim she doesn't drink — "I'm allergic to alcohol," she tweeted (for every pseudo-celebrity with an IQ under 18 apparently has a Twitter account).
Merriman was never actually arrested by authorities; instead, Tequila filed a citizen's-arrest warrant accusing him of battery and false imprisonment, which forced Merriman into jail overnight. The San Diego sheriff's office investigated the matter, and late last week the district attorney's office announced that the linebacker will not be charged. Judging by some of Tequila's tweets following that decision ("Actually @MechanicalDummy [Chris Brown] & @shawnemerriman should ass rape each other. They are both little pussy bitches. I would B ashamed 2 be their mom" is a good one), you can bet a civil suit of some kind is down the road.
Let's hope this thing does go to trial. Can you imagine the testimony?
ATTORNEY ONE Mr. Merriman, do you deny that at this point you put your hands around Ms. Tequila's neck?
MERRIMAN UNK! UNK! UNK! UNK!
ATTORNEY ONE Your honor, move to strike as uncommunicative.
JUDGE The jury will disregard!
ATTORNEY TWO Now, Ms. Tequila, would you characterize yourself as "strongly attached" to Mr. Merriman?
TEQUILA (giggling and rubbing lips with forefinger) Pllllppthhh! Hee hee! (Unbuttoning shirt) MMMMM! Wooooo!
ATTORNEY TWO Your honor, permission to treat as a blubbering idiot.
JUDGE (striking gavel) Granted!
Life affords us so few real pleasures. Please, please let this happen.
Matt Taibbi can be reached firstname.lastname@example.org.